10 Best Clark Griswold Quotes From National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold faced down the worst Christmas ever in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and he left a bunch of hilarious quotes talking about it.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is still regarded as an annual must-watch for the holiday season, and that hasn’t waned much over the last few decades. This hilarious 1980s comedy classic starred Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold, a well-meaning, yet overreaching dad who finds himself walking into one Christmas catastrophe after another.
The film is a masterful piece of comedy, specifically because of the clever script. Clark has some of the funniest lines in the film, allowing him to churn out a memorable performance. Many of his quotes have stood the test of time over the years, and are no less funny today than they were so many years ago.
10 “Burn Some Dust Here. Eat My Rubber!”
To say that Clark Griswold was out of touch with the cool kids was definitely an understatement. He demonstrated this time and time again by failing to realize just what an imbecile he was being, particularly during the opening act. While driving out into the wilderness to get a Christmas tree for the house, Clark suffered a bit of road rage.
In an attempt to get competitive and prove himself, he started hammering the gas pedal while tossing out this quote, with a smile. It didn’t take long for his young son Russ to inform him that he got the two mixed up. Rusty’s gentle ribbing of his father, and Clark’s bemused reaction, was one of those sweet moments that allowed Christmas Vacation to compete against A Christmas Story for the best holiday movie of all time.
9 “Can’t See The Line, Can You Russ?”
Clark might have been a loving father and a devoted husband, but he clearly had some trouble ignoring the opposite sex, particularly if the woman in question was attractive. While out shopping for Christmas gifts, he came across Mary, who was eager to show him some lingerie.
Unfortunately, she showed a bit too much, and Clark became entranced. Once again, Russ was there to witness the whole thing as the woman demonstrated a pair of high-cut panties that hid the line of the underwear. In a daze, Clark asked whether Russ could see the line, to which Russ replied “nope,” much to his father’s surprise and comic horror.
8 “Russ, When Was The Last Time I Overdid Anything?”
Clark wanted to make that year’s Christmas the best ever, and that meant going above and beyond the call of duty. This was a trademark of his personality – a desire to get a rise out of his family and loved ones by giving them an awesome spectacle. That year, it was a house loaded to the brim with Christmas lights.
Russ was quick to point out that his father might have bitten off more than he could chew. He asked him whether he thought he was overdoing things, to which Clark replied with this quote. The bemused look on Russ’s face said it all.
7 “Surprised, Eddie? If I Woke Up Tomorrow With My Head Sewn To The Carpet, I Wouldn’t Be More Surprised.”
After struggling to get his enormously ambitious Christmas light project to work in one of the funniest National Lampoon movie scenes, Clark was overcome with joy. The entire family came out on the front lawn to witness the blinding spectacle, giving cousin-in-law Eddie Johnson, his wife and kids, and their dog Snots time to slip in unnoticed.
It was meant to be a surprise, though nobody asked for them to show up, for reasons that would quickly become obvious. When Eddie asked Clark if he was surprised, he responded with this hilarious quote that went right over Eddie’s head.
6 “Can I Refill Your Eggnog For You? Get You Something To Eat? Drive You Out To The Middle Of Nowhere… Leave You For Dead?”
Within the first hour of showing up, Eddie had already worn out his welcome with Clark. He’d gotten into the eggnog, and started recounting stories that normal folks would be ashamed of. It was becoming too much for Clark to bear.
A brief interlude allowed Clark to drop this funny question on Eddie, which he was oblivious to, once again. Clark would have loved nothing more than for a family Christmas without Eddie’s lumbering, oafish stupidity.
5 “The Silent Majesty Of A Winter’s Morn. The Clean, Cool Chill Of The Holiday Air. And An A*****e In His Bathrobe, Emptying A Chemical Toilet Into My Sewer.”
Clark awoke a few days before Christmas to the sounds of his family fighting it out in the dining room, which wasn’t exactly the kind of atmosphere he had in mind. He decided to walk to the window and gaze out at the bright, sunny morning, while Ellen came to greet him.
Giving him a big hug, she asked what he was looking at. Clark replied with this quote, right before the scene switched to Eddie standing in the middle of the street with a beer and a cigar, emptying his RV’s toilet into the storm sewer by the curbside.
4 “Hallelujah! Holy S***! Where’s The Tylenol?”
Clark had been pining away for his Christmas bonus in order to fill the down payment on a pool he wanted to install in the backyard. It was the ultimate Christmas gift for his family, and the clock was ticking. It didn’t help that he was dealing with the stress of a series of mishaps and accidents around the house.
By the time a company envelope was delivered, he was near the breaking point. When he found out that it contained a membership to the Jelly of the Month club instead of a bonus, he went on an angry rant about his boss before dropping this line and running off. Clark’s comedic burst is just one of the many reasons why Christmas Vacation is one ’80s movie that makes viewers laugh so hard, they cry.
3 “We Needed A Coffin… Uh, I Mean… A Tree…”
After Uncle Lewis inadvertently burnt down the family Christmas tree while lighting a cigar, Clark got the bad news about his supposed bonus. He was coming apart at the seams, yet he was determined to salvage the operation. His first order of business was to go outside with a chainsaw and slice down the nearest tree. How he managed to secure and decorate another tree in such record time is one of the things that makes no sense about Christmas Vacation, but it’s forgivable.
He then went upstairs to wash the sap off of his hands, while Ellen followed to ask him if he was OK. Clearly, Clark pretended everything was fine, even when questioned about his behavior regarding the tree. He replied to Ellen with this quote, which didn’t exactly set her mind at ease.
2 “Nobody’s Leaving! Nobody’s Walking Out On This Fun Old Fashioned Family Christmas! Noooo, No, We’re All In This Together!”
When things got so bad that Christmas seemed unsalvageable, Clark’s family decided to pack up and take off, rather than stick around for the aftermath. They believed it was better if everyone just left before things got worse.
They were stopped at the foot of the stairs by Clark, who wasn’t willing to let any of them go. To him, the disasters they’d suffered were like a military operation gone wrong, and he wasn’t about to let his fellow soldiers abdicate their responsibilities.
1 “When What To My Wondering Eyes Should Appear, But A Miniature Sleigh… And… And Eddie, With A Man In His Pajamas And A Dog Chain… Tied To His Wrists And Ankles.”
After Clark’s dad managed to calm him down and talk some sense into him, Clark seemed like he was willing to put all the bad stuff behind. He even took on the duty of reciting The Night Before Christmas with his family, which seemed to be going nicely.
That is, until Clark looked out the window and saw Eddie leading his boss Frank up the pathway in chains, with a gigantic ribbon on his chest, and a gag in his mouth. It was Eddie’s Christmas present to Clark and a chance for retribution against the crotchety old boss who cut out employee bonuses that year.